Dying Grain Bears Fruit

John 12:20-26 (NRSV)

Now among those who went up to worship at the festival were some Greeks. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, and said to him, ‘Sir, we wish to see Jesus.’ Philip went and told Andrew; then Andrew and Philip went and told Jesus. Jesus answered them, ‘The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there will my servant be also. Whoever serves me, the Father will honor.

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Here's what's hard for me about this text: I love my life. Rather a lot. And not just being alive, but I love the choices and details that make my life mine. I love the particular kind of tea I make every morning. I love the way I've arranged my desk and the view it gives me from my window. I love the friends with whom I've chosen to populate my spare time. Becoming an adult has given me the freedom to set up my life in just the way I want it.

I find the idea of sacrifice compelling in the abstract. It's more difficult in reality. My cherished self-determination means that I am always rationalizing away the hard choices. Surely, these little things aren't going to get in my way, right? I can love Jesus and have some chai, too. I can follow Jesus and never have to leave my desk. I don't have to trade my friends in this world for the friendship of God. Do I?

Maybe not. Or, maybe, I do. Sometimes.

I'm not sure I can quite hate my life, but I do hear in this gospel reading the demand that I love Jesus more. And that demand keeps rousing me from my chosen comforts. Where is Jesus asking me to follow him? What I do have to give up to go there? What good things do I need to let go of so that I can be open to something better? What's taking up the real estate in my soul that really belongs to God?

The thing is, it's never going to stop being hard. But it's never going to stop being important, either. And so I keep asking, and listening, and trying to follow. I don't know if I want to lose my life. But I do know that I want to be where Jesus is, wherever that is, however hard it may be to get there.